So, I wonder if I become a completely balanced person, if I will have to stop writing this blog of self-doubt and failure-documentation. Luckily this won't happen for a while now. But I've had to decamp and dig. It's work, this work, of attempting. I am in treatment. As they say. I've gotten over my early ambivalence and am realizing that I could learn more about how to be a person in the world. In therapy we discuss ideas of mindfulness. How I can stop internalizing feelings of guilt or shame. How I can exist inside even uncomfortable situations. How I can get over myself.
I have to feel this is all terribly boring. Trying to become more enlightened. I am doing things like swimming every day and doing yoga every other day, although still watching the clock the entire time. I am doing things like slowly plodding through this essay on Barbara Loden even though it is sucking the entire way, I am letting it suck, I am allowing myself to fail and exist inside the space somehow. Try to slowly work on it and make it suck less because I believe in it.
After this essay maybe I should stop essaying for a bit. I long to get back to writing fiction. My basement gothic. I long to get back to a monkey-brain. Who wants to be so highly evolved?