vomitous

today, today, i sucked it up and hit send and turned in the first draft of the semiotext(e) essay collection. i feel like i am going to vomit. sharp pains. breathe. subside. that sort of thing. everything about editing - that is what i'm thinking about now. everything about the editing process, how totally madwoman i get during the editing process.

our sylvia plath panel was rejected at awp, which makes me feel kind of relieved, i was afraid of speaking about sylvia in such institutional confines. but the panel i was asked to be on about feminism and the body was accepted. i think i am supposed to be a post-third-wave-ian mindset. part of me delights in this, i want to do something totally horrid and performative-cliche for it, like do it entirely nude, one tit out, that sort of thing. can you perform with one tit out during awp? or ask some guy to impale me in an icky conference room at 7am john won't mind it will be for art! that reminds me of when i was briefly producing experimental theater while at university, and i was writing this whole passionate profile for the school newspaper about the little dingy shack where we staged dirty little plays and things, and i was interviewing my partner-in-crime, about the fancy white cubes they were going to put up in place of the dingy little shack. and my partner-in-crime, mercedes, saying - can you fucking be naked there? no. that was our idea of theater then - if you couldn't take off all your clothes and fuck onstage, then it wasn't really theater. then and now! so i promise i will try to do something horrific and embarassing. i will not read a pretty little paper. or maybe i will! i dont' know what's expected of me in such surroundings.

i have been emailing back and forth with the fantastic roxanne carter, who i've decided i have a terrible intellectual crush on in terms of what she reads and is into. in the course of a few emails she's writing about sophie calle's exquisite pain, which i had just ordered up, and kathy acker's film blue tapes, which i've never heard of, and she's one of those people i just want to give me a whole reading list, basically, a film and reading list.

am still reading the romance novels. but there are books at the library, and i might decide to go back to that sort of pleasure perhaps soon, yes, soon. also: cleveland state university called me up and asked me to teach a cnf workshop. so now i will be teaching every day in the fall, if that sticks. even though it's hard to trust any of this, these universities that call you up and offer you things and then take it all back, like it's a tune i've heard from before, i can't get involved, i can't get engaged, i'm in love with my ex-girlfriend, i don't want things to change us, i don't know what i want, what i want, all i know is you are not what i want.